Monday, April 5, 2010

i can feel your pain in my bones

A Ugandan Easter

I write to you now because well, right now i have the time. I'm currently pulling an all nighter to stay up with one of our older boys J, who sleeps on the very top bunk bed. Tonight i was putting the boys to sleep, slightly more chaotic than normal, and then J fell off his bed. Now these bunk beds are stacked 3 high and he had to of fallen at least 8 feet on his head. Poor J, the same little boy who got his foot caught in a bicycle earlier this week. Now J has no skin on his left heel, and a huge lump on his forehead. I was pretty frustrated when nothing was really done to help comfort him, no precautions taken. My immediate instinct when he wasn't kept in the clinic was to bring him upstairs and force him to ice his head, and to make sure he was okay. I go downstairs, he's back up on that same bunk still crying his eyes out of course. I never thought i'd be able to come close to understanding the love of a mother until i had my own kids, but this comes pretty close. Part of me was so frustrated with J because he was the one standing up on that top bunk, even when i told him not to. Part of me was upset that i didn't protect him or prevent this from happening. All of me just wanted to take his pain away, and put it on myself. So i sit here writing, as the timer is ticking for me to wake him up every hour. Obviously falling from so high could result in a concussion, we're just being safe. He was acting fine and interacting with us as usual. I love these kids, i don't know how i'm going to leave them in a week and a half.

If you remember M, the little boy who has HIV and TB, well if you remember he was transferred to another orpahange that takes care of only HIV positive children. We went to visit him a few weeks ago, and he seemed to be improving. I saw the couple who runs this orphanage at church on Easter, so i went up to ask how M was doing. I didn't get the response i was looking for. I immediately saw the man's expression change when he heard me say the words "How is M! Has he been improving?". He looked down and replied with, "No, M has not been responding to his TB medicine, which he has been on for quite a while. The doctor has taken lymph nodes from his neck to test him for cancer". I told him thank you and walked away quickly, i walked away tearing up, broken hearted , that my little prince wasn't improving like i thought he was. I was quickly reminded that this was Easter, the day we celebrate Resurrection of our Saviour. He is Risen. While i pray M's life here is long, i know that is out of my hands, and completely in His. My prayer is that God keeps him tightly in His hands. That when M is in pain, when he feels scared, that he feels his Jesus close to him. That he knows he is my handsome prince, but more importantly God's handsome prince.

I know a lot of the things i have seen, how much i love my kids, the stories i have heard, the people i have met. None of it will really hit me until i am home and i am not here. When i get the chance to process it all. When i have the time to think. The days where i don't go to bed before 10pm, and i have a little bit of energy to write, i open up a new entry and give up before i begin. Not because i don't want to keep whoever reads this updated, but because i honestly don't have the words to say. I don't know how to sum up a day here in blog form, let some big crazy life changing realizations i have reached while living in a 3rd world country for three months. Well i guess finding a forever home in a place where i only planned to live in for a semester might count for something. But even that isn't me. It's God. I've run it over and over again in my head, trying to figure out if my flesh just wants Uganda in my future, or if it is really the start of something major God is asking of me. Every time i start to figure it out, and plan things out. He shakes me and reminds me that this is not my plan. That He is God, and He's got it all worked out. That i can try and plan all i want, but He will work things out the way He wants to. I find peace in that. In knowing i can't screw up my life enough to make me useless for His kingdom. That He can turn awful circumstances into great things. That my God can take my life back and constantly remind me i am His daughter.

So i don't know exactly what my future holds, i know it will end with me meeting my Heavenly Father face to face, but everything in between that, well i just hope he can use me to glorify Him more and more every day, and that i would be willing to give up anything He asks of me.

We also got to see B meet his Mom and Dad for the first time, and M & D meet their Mommy for the first time. It was the coolest thing, again with the happy tears. I still don't know if i quite understand how they work. A child with out a family getting to meet their family for the first time is the most amazing thing. I love B, M & D a bunch and i am so happy to be here when their parents are getting to know them.

Easter was far from normal. What else would you expect from Easter in Uganda? It rained a bunch the night before, so we spent our morning walk to church dodging mud puddles, not very successfully. Singing worship songs both in Lugandan and in English, hearing a sermon translated into Lugandan after every sentence. We spent the afternoon walking through town in search of last minute ingredients for our Easter dinner. We were planning to have the egg hunt with the kids but a thunderstorm came trough so we just did it today, the kids loved finding the eggs and eating their sweeties just the same. We went out for coffee at flavours. We took bodas both ways, because what is an Easter in Uganda without being on the back of a boda? We came back home, began cooking right away. Almost all of us cooked or baked a different dish. We had guacamole, chapatis, mac & cheese, mashed potatoes, zuchini, banana muffins, and deviled eggs. It was pretty funny, and very different. But it was nice. Wouldn't have changed anything, expect maybe the rain part.

I come home in a little under 3 weeks. I don't know where the last 2 months or so went. I leave for the North on the 16th with Megan. We are staying with the women who is in charge of the Zion Project ( We are very excited to travel to Gulu, to meet these women, and to visit some different places in Gulu.

if you read this, write an email.
it would be cool to hear from you.


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